If you have not yet faced conflict in ministry, you have not yet done ministry for very long.

Churches are families, and families rub. We bring different backgrounds, different wounds, different expectations, and different personalities into the same room. We all love Jesus, but we are not yet like Jesus. So misunderstandings happen. Offences occur. Disagreements arise. Decisions disappoint. Words land badly. Motives are assumed. Camps form.

The surprise is not that conflict comes. The surprise is how quickly conflict can turn into bitterness. And bitterness is one of the most spiritually corrosive realities in pastoral ministry. It can lodge in the pastor’s heart, in a member’s heart, or in a whole church culture. It does not announce itself loudly. It settles quietly, then it slowly poisons joy, prayer, courage, and love.

Conflict is inevitable. Bitterness is not. Scripture does not promise that peace will always be easy, but it does command that bitterness must not be allowed to take root.

Scripture Assumes Conflict, and Speaks Into It

The New Testament is remarkably realistic about churches. Even the healthiest congregations had friction. Paul pleads with Euodia and Syntyche to agree in the Lord (Phil. 4:2). He warns the Galatians that biting and devouring one another can consume the church (Gal. 5:15). He urges the Corinthians to stop dividing around personalities (1 Cor. 1:12 to 13).

None of this is accidental. The Spirit included these passages because conflict is normal in a fallen world, even among redeemed people.

But the Spirit also teaches that there is a line we must not cross. Hebrews gives a direct warning. “See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God, that no root of bitterness springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled” (Heb. 12:15). Bitterness is pictured as a root. It grows underground. It spreads quietly. It troubles many. It defiles, not just the bitter person, but those around them.

That is why the fight against bitterness is not a minor pastoral concern. It is a matter of spiritual health for the whole body.

Bitterness Is Not the Same as Sorrow

We need to be careful here. The Bible never tells us to pretend that hurt does not hurt. It does not call us to emotional numbness. There is a godly grief, and there is a sinful bitterness.

Godly grief tells the truth about pain and brings it to the Lord. The Psalms are full of that. “How long, O Lord” is not bitterness, it is prayer. Lament is not resentment, it is faith speaking through tears.

Bitterness, by contrast, is pain that begins to harden into a settled posture of blame, suspicion, and cold anger. It becomes a lens through which you interpret everything. It makes you rehearse wrongs. It makes you want others to pay. It makes you withdraw warmth. It makes you allergic to hope.

Paul distinguishes between righteous anger and sinful corrosion. “Be angry and do not sin” (Eph. 4:26). That implies anger can be real, and yet it must not become a home for the soul. He then adds, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamour and slander be put away from you” (Eph. 4:31). Bitterness is not inevitable. It must be put away.

Why Bitterness Is So Tempting in Ministry

Bitterness often begins as a desire for justice. Something genuinely wrong happens. You are misunderstood. You are accused unfairly. Your motives are questioned. A decision is resisted in an unhelpful way. Someone behaves manipulatively. Someone gossips. Someone wounds your family. Someone takes without gratitude.

In those moments, bitterness whispers, Protect yourself. Harden up. Stop trusting. Withdraw your heart. Keep records. Pay them back with coldness.

Sometimes bitterness feels like wisdom. It feels like learning. It feels like not being naive. But it is not wisdom. It is spiritual decay. It may begin with a legitimate hurt, but it ends by reshaping you into someone less like Christ.

Proverbs warns, “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life” (Prov. 4:23). Ministry exposes the heart. Conflict reveals what is in you. And if you do not guard your heart, bitterness will quietly claim space.

Christ Shows a Better Way

When the New Testament speaks about forgiveness, it does not ground it in human optimism. It grounds it in Christ.

“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Eph. 4:32). That is the great gospel logic. Forgiveness is not powered by a small view of sin. It is powered by a big view of grace.

Consider how Christ responded to personal wrong. “When he was reviled, he did not revile in return, when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly” (1 Pet. 2:23). That is not weakness. That is faith. He entrusted Himself to the Father’s justice rather than taking justice into His own hands.

That is the opposite of bitterness. Bitterness says, I will be my own judge. Christlike faith says, the Father judges justly, so I can keep my heart soft.

Bitterness is a Refusal to Entrust Justice to God

This is one of the clearest ways to diagnose bitterness. It is not merely remembering a wrong, it is refusing to release a wrong into God’s hands.

Romans 12 is blunt. “Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God” (Rom. 12:19). Then it quotes, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord” (Rom. 12:19).

That is not God minimising what happened. It is God claiming the right to judge it properly. And if He judges properly, you do not need bitterness to keep the record alive. Bitterness is often an attempt to keep justice on the table by refusing to let it go. The gospel calls you to a different kind of courage, the courage to entrust judgment to the Lord.

Practical Pathways Out of Bitterness

Putting away bitterness is not a one time decision. It is often a repeated act of obedience. Here are some practical pathways that Scripture commends.

These steps do not remove complexity, but they keep your soul from corroding.

When Reconciliation Is Not Possible Yet

Forgiveness and reconciliation are related but not identical. Forgiveness is an act of obedience in your heart before God. Reconciliation requires mutual honesty and repentance. Sometimes that is possible quickly. Sometimes it is not possible at all, at least for a season.

Paul says, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” (Rom. 12:18). That verse acknowledges limitation. You can pursue peace sincerely and still not achieve it, because it also depends on the other person.

In those situations, the battle is still the same. Conflict may remain. Bitterness must not be allowed to take root. You can maintain a soft heart even when the relationship is not yet restored.

The Pastoral Opportunity Hidden in Conflict

Conflict exposes idols. It reveals where we fear man more than God. It shows where we crave control. It uncovers pride. It tests whether we truly believe the gospel we preach.

James asks, “What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you. Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you” (James 4:1). Conflict is often a mirror. It shows us what we love too much.

That is uncomfortable, but it is also merciful. God uses conflict to sanctify leaders as well as congregations. He is teaching us how to shepherd without hardness, how to lead without resentment, and how to suffer without becoming sour.

Keeping Your Heart Soft Is Part of Faithfulness

Some pastors assume their job is simply to endure conflict and keep going. But Scripture calls us to more than endurance. It calls us to holiness of heart.

Bitterness is not a harmless coping mechanism. It is a spiritual threat. It will colour your preaching. It will distort your counsel. It will make you suspicious. It will steal compassion. It will make you smaller.

So fight it as you would fight any sin. Not with mere willpower, but with gospel truth. Remember how much you have been forgiven. Remember that Christ bore wrongs that were infinitely greater than yours. Remember that the Father judges justly. Remember that the Spirit can soften what feels hardened.

Conflict is inevitable. Bitterness is not. By grace you can face tension without losing tenderness. You can engage difficult people without becoming a difficult man. You can suffer wrong without being mastered by it.

And when you fail, which you will at times, return quickly to Christ. He does not only forgive bitterness, He frees us from it. He is not only the model, He is the Saviour.